Advice on Advice for Grandparents
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Each morning, as is my routine, I check emails from all over the world. Since retiring as Director of the Art Center Waco five years ago, I have advised artists, students, arts organizations, museums and academic university fine arts institutions through Fulbright grants and keeping in touch. I tell them though: “Giving advice is easy: making it work is hard.” The other day, my daughter who works for a company in Houston, wrote me a short email, “I will be hosting a manager from our South Korean plant for two days in March. Do you have any advice: do’s and don’t? Any suggestions on what to do?” Of course, I was pleased to give her what I know about the Orient and how to host someone from there but I said: “Ultimately, he is coming to Texas. You know Texas in today’s terms and you know Houston better than I do.” Since 1966, I have kept in touch with the changes in government, arts, politics, economics and education because of my work with the State Department and my own interests in that part of the world so I gave her my ideas about how to host a man from South Korea. When giving advice on medical problems for the grandchildren, my wife gives a similar preamble: “I retired from nursing in 2000 and the profession has new ways to handle “that” but this is what I know.” Most grandparents know that if you have one grandchild, you are an amateur giving advice. I have witnessed that when some grandparents have two grandchildren, they become experts in the field of parenting from a distance. It is only when you have 4, 5 or more grandchildren that you return again to the knowledge that you are an amateur. I think that we knew this from the start. Our grandchildren are now five (a girl) and almost two (a boy). Therefore, let me give advice (unasked for, of course) to new grandparents. Realize that you are you and they (your children who are now parents) are different people with different values and different life styles. You do not shape a child; you lead, guide, give example, show encouragement but ultimately allow them to be the best person that they know they can become. You do that from your personality. But always, trust the judgment of your children who are now parents themselves. Understand that this is not your time in the world. It is theirs and they understand this age better than you can. It was 29 years ago that my “little girl” was five years old. Now, she has a five year-old who is the same, if not more, independent individual than I remember back then (with a disbelieving shake of the head). There was not as much information and data out on parenting when we were struggling to do the right thing for this huge potential in that small body. Now, we have books on books about parenting. Television is filled with advice (Thank you, Dr. Phil). If anything, there is too much information so a parent today has to decide what fits their child and what does not. And this changes from child to child. Saying all that (basically, saying: “You are on your own. You know this time in life better than we do”), there are points in time when advice is appreciated. Human beings have not changed so much since we struggled from caves and moved into modern “wombs-with-a-view”, We are all still asking, “What is real?”, trying to relate our feelings to handle the unexpected, and adjusting internal systems to comply or override the outside systems. So you can say to your children who now are parents, “You know your situation better than we do. You have set rules to improve, make safe and educate your child. Given all that, I know “this”!” And the “this” is your expertise, your knowledge of human nature, your own ways of dealing with the madness that slips into daily existence and your wisdom that has been learned and matured. If you give advice, always understand that you are playing on your own playground, not theirs. Remember, when in a foreign country, YOU are the foreigner. Your children’s children are a foreign country. And of course, give advice with love. Nothing is better advice than love. |
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